In less than a year I’ve lost four parents. Two step and two originals.
The pain with loss comes like a lightning flash, forceful and brilliant.
But, grief is different. It doesn’t have a singular definition.
I have felt grief so differently for all four of these losses and this final loss…the loss of my mother cuts like a knife so sharp you don’t even realize it’s done any damage until your brain registers the pain.
I feel nothing, yet I feel everything, and I can’t identify any of it.
I dabble with thinking about this strange and foreign reality then, just as the feelings begin to choke me, I quickly abort the tempestuous thoughts so desperately trying to seep into every part of my being knowing I’m not ready for what’s coming.
I’m not ready.
I don’t want any part of it.
It smothers me.
So I choose to breathe.